is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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