I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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