We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
