I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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