how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
