How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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