Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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