I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
