How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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