You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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