i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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