She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
