Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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