What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize