We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
