i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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