I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
