I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
