I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
