There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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