I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
