just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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