I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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