Umm I'm too high to move.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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