Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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