Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
