who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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