I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
