I just made out with a guy for $7.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
