Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
