hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
