I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Randomize
