The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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