i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
