Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
