And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
