Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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