the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Randomize
