How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
