Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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