i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
