he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
