just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
