my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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