My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and youโre questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize