What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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