I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
