i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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