Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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