I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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