Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
