I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
