dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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