I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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