When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
