I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
