I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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