I wish my penis had an off switch
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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