i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
