evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
