Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
