Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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