I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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