last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
