Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize