I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize