and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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