so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize