I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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